Cracked Wide Open: My Journey Back to Iboga Was Challenging & Confronting.

Not every psychedelic journey feels good, or leaves you with that afterglow. Here are some initial thoughts around what happened when I returned to Iboga—and came face-to-face with my darkest shadow.

Iboga is the realest of the real.

It’s for those who are ready and willing to confront themselves for the purpose of healing and soul alignment. It’s not trendy. It’s not easy. And it’s definitely not for the faint of heart (literally—lol).

Iboga offers what might be the clearest, most direct mirror on Earth. It’s piercing. It’s powerful. It’s deeply confronting.

But for the brave ones… the ones who truly want to know themselves… Iboga will meet you… It will force you to meet yourself.

Leo van Veenendaal (who I am interviewing soooon!) put it the best in his book The Iboga Experience:

Iboga is a hell of a plant. A mind-bending, soul-healing, psyche-splitting, titan of a plant. The experience is likened to more than 100 Ayahuasca ceremonies in one journey. It has the power to drag someone through their own underworld physically, mentally, and spiritually… It is a plant used for "those who need to be saved," whether that be from their own traumas, their mind, or addictions. Iboga is best seen as a technology: a plant with the capacity to enable someone to confront their own hell, which they might be inadvertently living in, and assist them to claw their way out of it.

(I highly encourage you to pick up a copy of this 2023 book if you are considering, preparing for, or integrating Iboga. 55% of proceeds go towards Blessings of the Forest who are focused on Iboga conservations efforts in West Africa).

Two and a half years after my (pretty blissful) first meeting with Iboga, I knew it was time to go back to the Master of Master Plants. Here’s what happened: 5-MeO cracked open my psyche, and, in doing so, started to uproot deep, suppressed psychological material.

I had to face the uncomfortable truth…I wasn’t as “healed” as I thought I was—or as I presented myself to be. A realization that led me straight back to Iboga for round two. Not for bliss. Not for ego boosts. But for truth… For my truth. And Iboga delivered.

In preparation, I did the work—I returned to psychotherapy to start weeding through some of the deeper material that had surfaced. I honed in on my intention and reflected on unanswered questions about my life.

But it was Iboga that brought it all home; it took me directly into the root. This last ceremony was the hardest thing I have ever done, and honestly, I just completed the work that I have been training for the past 6 years.

Everything—every journey, lesson, integration, question, breakdown, and breakthrough—led me here. I wasn’t ready until I was ready.

That’s the thing with medicine: it meets you where you’re at.

You’d think that I’m feeling the afterglow, right?

What unfolded at Etéreo last week was sacred, massive and confronting. I was challenged to look in the mirror and face my deepest darkest shadow, which would not have been possible without the safest space, support, and guidance from Paije and her incredible team. I am going to be sharing a lot more about this experience on the podcast soon, but for now, just know that they’re stellar Iboga providers.

Without getting into the details… I came face-to-face with a deep well of shame—shame I’ve been doing a really! good! job! of keeping hidden. Tucked away. Tied up neatly. Stored in a little box…inside a bigger box…shoved to the very back of the closet of my mind.

It took a showdown with Iboga itself to throw the door open. The medicine walked me right into that dark room, and said:

“Look. This is you.”

Every single one of my questions, answered, in a single moment. You’d think that I feel the afterglow, right? I got the answers to my questions, after all.

Wrong.

The afterglow/pink cloud effect is *NOT* guaranteed after every single psych•delic experience.

The selfie up there 👆 was snapped after my own personal ride through the hell inside my own mind and honestly? I felt raw, ripped apart, tender, shattered, confronted and swollen. 10 days later, I still feel this way.

I’ve been pretty “lucky” in my ~6 years of medicine work/diving into the abyss of my own Self—no experience has left me completely undone. But this one? This was THE one. The one that took me all the way into the root. The one I’ve been preparing for.

The one that made me confront the shadow I’ve been skirting around all this time. (And to be fair… I asked for it. One of my questions was “What is my darkest shadow?”—Iboga doesn’t mess around.)

In this early integration period, I am navigating such a profound shift in my reality and my sense of self that I’m left questioning who I even am? what has my life has been about? what’s been motivating and driving me all this time?

I am shattered. I am raw. I am cracked wide open. I opened a door in my psyche that has been shut so firmly… part of me wishes it remained so.

But this is the path, this is my path. I choose this. I wanted the truth, and Iboga served it to me. Truth Medicine, for real, for real.

Still, I trust my path, I trust this medicine (in fact, my love and devotion for Iboga has only grown stronger), and I trust LIFE. I’m enlisting support. I’m taking things one step, one day at a time.

The best integration advice I received from Paije is “you just need to take the right next step.” This is in-line with the Bwiti philosophy of “Malembe Malembe,” which means, “Slow, Slow.” One baby step at a time.

And I know this now at my core: I AM A WARRIOR. I have confronted myself in ways many never will. This is, indeed, “warrior shit” (as Violet, one of the on-site Etéreo therapists, says).

To anyone struggling after a psychedelic experience:
You are not alone.
You are brave.
You are healing.
You are choosing yourself.
You are choosing truth over illusion.
Your ancestors are cheering you on.
We keep going.
We ask for help.
We stay in the heart.
We stay on the path—one small step at a time.

I am doing this work for myself, first and foremost. And, I know that on the other side (and in the mess of it all) I am also strengthening my ability to walk with other souls through their darkest shadows, to reclaim their freedom, and live their Truth.

BASSÉ.

Are you gearing up to work with Iboga?

Despite how profoundly challenging my recent experience was, I find myself even more in love with—and devoted to—Iboga. This is my medicine. I know it in my soul.

I’ve made the decision to shift my new prep and integration coaching program to be Iboga-specific. This incredibly sacred plant takes us exactly where we need to go—and I’m here to walk with those who feel called to it.

Iboga is deep. It’s nuanced. It’s unlike any other medicine. In fact, it doesn’t fit neatly into the “psychedelic” box at all!!! Everyone’s experience is so different. That’s why Iboga-informed support is essential (I’m learning that firsthand, in a big way).

I’ve learned SO MUCH about this plant in the last four years since starting my podcast—from my own ceremonies, supporting Iboga retreats as a helper, my mentors, teachers, guests, and books—and I am fully stepping into service now.

I’m committing to raising the standard of preparation and integration in this space, for this medicine specifically.

If you’re getting ready to meet Iboga—or feeling called to revisit it—I’d be honoured to support you through the before and after.

Having Iboga-specific coaching support will take you far. It will ground you in the unknown. It will help you trust yourself when things get wild. It will pay off the investment a thousand times over. I was so much more prepared for this second journey, and it made all the difference.

If you feel the call, let’s talk. I’d be honored to support you on your journey with this very special Master Plant Teacher.

Get in touch with me via the form HERE.

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Thank you for reading this far. I feel a real sense of maturation from this recent medicine work in how I am showing up in these public spaces. For starters, I won’t be sharing the private details as I have been doing all these years. This is a sacred soul process that is unfolding, and I am still navigating how to share about it.

Thank you endlessly to Etéreo (Paije, Ixchel, Fletcher, Violet, Chef Paul, and the entire team) that held me so beautifully; you all created a safe space which allowed me to get to the root. And of course, diboti, Iboga.